"There is no love without the fear of loss. The moment you begin to love, you live in parallel with the possibility of losing it. They go hand in hand. It is the fear of loss that makes you behave in certain ways. It is the fear of loss that makes you be accountable in certain ways. So I think to want something that is idealized, that has no ripples, is not the best way to learn about love."
"If you loved me, you and then fill in the blank, you would do this and you wouldn't do that. And on some level, if I want you to take me as is without the slightest reaction from you, that just says I am different, or I want something else, or I'm another person, period. It also implies that I can only see myself as a perfect little person, and we are flawed people."
Authentic love requires vulnerability, risk, and the possibility of loss; without these elements relationships lack depth and accountability. Fear of loss motivates behavior and fosters responsibility within relationships. Idealized, ripple-free attachments remove necessary friction and prevent learning about love. Unconditional love as demanded by some expects perfect acceptance without reaction, which presumes flawless individuals; humans are inherently flawed and provoke emotional responses in others. Emotional reactions—anger, sadness, irritation, joy—are integral to human connection. Artificial companions that remove risk can provide comfort but cannot reproduce the wounds, suffering, and mutual effect that make human love meaningful.
Read at www.nytimes.com
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