There's No Excuse for the Boorish Way My Boyfriend Likes to Have Sex. I'm Over It.

"If your partner is causing you pain during sex and he is doing nothing to remedy it, he is unquestionably in the wrong. I completely support your decision to make your ass a no-entry zone for his jackhammer. But reading your letter, it struck me that you gloss over the part where he accuses you of not listening to him."

"There's no justification for, 'I want my big dick to keep hurting your butt,' but it's safe to assume that he's not actually saying that out loud. So what is he saying? Does he have a larger point about showing up for each other sexually, or something that is morally justifiable?"

"Speaking to be heard requires listening. You may be able to get somewhere by repeating a flawed argument back to him or teasing out his logic to expose its malformation."

A long-term gay couple faces sexual incompatibility where one partner prefers fast, hard penetration while the other experiences pain and prefers slower, more sensual intimacy. The receptive partner has stopped bottoming entirely, and attempts to negotiate slower pace are met with accusations of not listening. The advice emphasizes that causing pain is unacceptable, but both partners must genuinely understand each other's perspectives beyond surface complaints. Productive negotiation requires listening to identify what the penetrative partner actually needs sexually, even if his current approach is wrong. The relationship's viability depends on both partners being willing to communicate authentically and find compromise rather than dismissing each other's concerns.

Read at Slate Magazine