"At any point, any of your partners may have been thinking of someone (or even something) else to help themselves get over the edge. The idea of making someone orgasm with, to put it your way, just you is an illusion. People bring a lifetime of experience to the sex they have, including ways to help facilitate orgasm. Sex alone may not be enough to get your wife to come."
"I don't think sexual fantasy is that much different than bringing in a sex toy to help achieve orgasm. It is probably not accurate to assume that your wife completely disconnects during sex and is only propelled by her fantasies; these fantasies are in concert with the sex you are having with her. It is more safe to assume that the entirety of the encounter-what you are doing, what is in her head-is what gets her to come."
Many people use memories, fantasies, or external aids to facilitate orgasm during partnered sex. Women report lower rates of orgasm from penetration alone compared with men, which makes alternative pathways to climax common. Sexual fantasy often operates alongside current physical stimulation rather than substituting for it. Fantasies about past partners can intensify arousal without indicating emotional detachment from the current partner. Comparing mental imagery to using a sex toy underscores that adjunctive strategies are tools to help achieve orgasm. Partners should respond with empathy and avoid interpreting such strategies as evidence of diminished desire or worth.
Read at Slate Magazine
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