"The most frequent and far-reaching misunderstanding is assuming that events and behaviors mean the same-or should mean the same-to both partners. It's heartbreaking because events and behaviors seldom mean the same to both partners. That's because partners in love relationships differ in: Temperament. Metabolism. Hormonal levels. Core vulnerability. Family history. Life experiences. Developmental trajectory (they matured at different stages). All the above greatly influence the emotional meaning we give to events and behaviors."
"Mental focus requires shutting out distractions. People who don't focus effortlessly need to work harder to shut out distractions and maintain heightened focus. And they need to work harder still to regain focus once interrupted. For them, the concentrated mental energy of focus funnels into frustration when interrupted. The sharper the focus, the harder it is to refocus, due to frustration. The frustration of refocus is mostly physiological."
Simple misunderstandings cause pain in love relationships. The most frequent misunderstanding is assuming that events and behaviors mean the same to both partners. Partners commonly differ in temperament, metabolism, hormonal levels, core vulnerability, family history, life experiences, and developmental trajectory. Those differences shape the emotional meaning assigned to events and behaviors. Expecting or demanding identical meanings produces bewilderment, disappointment, frustration, and blame. Mental focus requires shutting out distractions; people who do not focus effortlessly must work harder to refocus after interruption, producing physiological frustration. Blaming a partner for refocus difficulties is unfair and amplifies conflict.
Read at Psychology Today
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