How the In-Between Helps Men Make Friends

"For most men, friendships are made when we're doing something. We tend to need that framework in order to build enough trust to actually open up and talk about what's on our minds. That's the reason most men get emotional when drunk or after some sort of victory."

"The gap that I see in all this advice, though, is in how friendships usually start between men. Everything that Dr. Newman mentions assumes that a certain level of trust and emotional availability already exists. For many men, trust and emotional availability come after an activity, since it's easier to gauge someone's personality when there is a low stakes activity involved."

"In his book Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, University of Maryland researcher Geoffrey Greif argues that male friendships tend to be 'shoulder to shoulder' rather than 'eye to eye' - men bond while doing something together, not by sitting across from each other and talking about their feelings."

Male friendships develop differently than female friendships, forming through side-by-side activities rather than face-to-face emotional discussions. Men build trust and emotional availability through participating in low-stakes activities where personality can be naturally assessed. This activity-based framework allows men to gradually open up and discuss deeper matters, often emerging during vulnerable moments like celebrations or intoxication. Most friendship advice overlooks this male-specific pattern, assuming trust already exists. The distinction lies in how men and women approach connection: men bond through shared action and ambient conversation, while women typically connect through direct emotional dialogue. Smartphones increasingly interfere with the idle chat opportunities that facilitate these crucial early-stage male friendships.

Read at Psychology Today