"I had to reread your letter about four times as I prepared to write this because it was so difficult to get a good sense of your actual feelings. "I guess children aren't something I wish for above all (maybe yet)" is the line that really captures the lack of clarity about what you want, how much you want it, and how important it is to you to allow for the possibility that your desire might change."
"Here's my best guess: You were at one point truly ambivalent about having kids. But since then, you've gotten older, and you actually would like to be a dad-or at the very least to have the option. At the same time, your wife has moved in the opposite direction, and it looks like that option may not exist anymore, which is putting your ambivalence to the test."
The husband is 28 and his 25-year-old wife has shifted from earlier openness to an absolute refusal to become pregnant due to concerns about bodily effects. The husband remains opposed to adoption and uncertain about how strongly he wants biological children, but increasingly feels the option is closing. Self-reflection is necessary to clarify how much fatherhood matters. Clear communication is needed to state his stance and to probe his wife's reasons and commitment. The couple should discuss timeframes, possible compromises, and long-term implications for the marriage if their reproductive goals remain incompatible.
Read at Slate Magazine
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