Help! My Future In-Laws Have an Aggravating Holiday Tradition-And This Year They Want to Include Me. No Thanks.

"My fiancé's family has an aggravating annual tradition. His parents included their new son-in-law when their daughter got married. And since this is the first holiday since my fiancé and I got engaged, I know they're planning to include me. Every year, they take a portrait together and mail it out as their holiday card. They have already commented on needing a bigger lens to fit everyone in this year. However, I have no interest in being in their picture this year or any year."

"They sign the card "The Smiths," but I have no plans to change my name and don't feel this last name would be mine. I plan to decline to be in the photo since I have always looked forward to having my own family and sending our own pictures to family and friends. How can I gently say to my husband's family, "Time to cut the umbilical cord" and let your children start their own holiday family traditions?"

"It used to be said that when certain hunter-gatherer tribes were first exposed to photography, they believed that if a picture was taken of them, it would steal their soul. You're probably aware, however, that a photograph of you with your future in-laws will not forever capture your image and make it impossible for you to send a photograph of yourself for your own holiday card."

A fiancée objects to being included in her future in-laws' annual holiday portrait and card because she intends to keep her birth name and establish separate family traditions. The in-laws have a pattern of including newly married children and spouses in a card signed "The Smiths," and have already planned to enlarge the photo to fit everyone. She plans to decline participation, feels anger and physical sickness at the thought of the photo, and asks how to tell them to let children start their own holiday families. One perspective emphasizes that a photograph will not prevent her from creating and sending her own holiday card, and that declining may be interpreted as rejecting the family or accusing parents of infantilizing their grown children.

Read at Slate Magazine