"On the untangling difficulty scale, this is much closer to untangling a sheet that's become twisted in the dryer than it is to untangling a tiny chain necklace that's fused with another tiny chain necklace at the bottom of your jewelry box. You don't even need (metaphorical) tweezers and a show to watch while you complete the task. This is simple."
"The equation I've done is as follows: Always struggled with doubts + unmet emotional needs + actual affair + lingering attraction after the affair + uncertainty about proposal = say no to getting married. Please. I understand that this feels complicated for you because your boyfriend is a big part of your life, and I won't minimize that. As you say, you love him and have built a life with him."
"Please. I understand that this feels complicated for you because your boyfriend is a big part of your life, and I won't minimize that. As you say, you love him and have built a life with him. But a lot of that is just the result of his having been around for a long time-for far too long. You'd care about almost anyone you hung around with nearly every day for nine years!"
Nine years of a stable, loving relationship coexist with persistent doubts stemming from missed dating experiences and ongoing comparisons to others. A deep emotional connection formed with a coworker seven years ago evolved into an emotional affair that included sexting, creating lingering attachment and jealousy when that other person dates. A proposal from the long-term partner has triggered guilt and indecision. The combined factors—longstanding doubts, unmet emotional needs, the affair, and lingering attraction—constitute a clear reason to decline marriage until feelings are resolved. Long familiarity can produce attachment independent of true compatibility, so emotional clarity and resolution are necessary before committing.
Read at Slate Magazine
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