"My wife and I stopped having sexual relations eight years ago. She keeps our two grandchildren 11 to 12 hours a day, five (and sometimes six) days a week. (That's 60 to 70 hours.) By the time they're picked up, she's irritated, agitated, frustrated and wants to be left alone. She doesn't want to talk or spend any time with me. She can't see that keeping the grandkids that much has interfered with our relationship with each other. We are about to separate because I don't want to live my last few years with someone I can't hold or kiss and who doesn't want to hold or kiss me because she's so irritated and frustrated by the time the kids leave. She doesn't want to be bothered. She just sits in her recliner and goes to sleep. There's plenty of love, loyalty and trust between us, but after eight years of no intimacy, I think I have waited long enough. I have tried talking to her about it many times. She says she has lost her desire, but she can't see the reason is because she's having that same bad day, every day. Any advice before I finalize this? HAD IT IN ALABAMA"
"DEAR HAD IT: I am glad you wrote. There may be more than one reason your wife's energy and sex drive have disappeared. You state that there is plenty of love, loyalty and trust between you. Please suggest to her that she consult her doctor and ask to have her hormone levels checked. I can't help wondering how old your grandchildren are and why she is expected to take care of them for 11 to 12 hours a day. It may simply be too much for her. However, a thyroid issue or a decrease in estrogen may also be contributing to her exhaustion. If that's the case, there are medical solutions available if your wife is willing to explore them. Your marriage is worth fighting for, and I hope your wife will see the wisdom before she or your relationship collapses under the weight of the responsibility she has taken on."
A couple has had no sexual relations for eight years. The wife provides extensive childcare for two grandchildren, 11 to 12 hours a day, five or six days weekly, causing daily exhaustion and irritability. The husband feels emotionally and physically distant and contemplates separation after repeated unsuccessful conversations. Possible medical causes include thyroid dysfunction or decreased estrogen; hormone-level testing and medical treatments may help. The childcare burden may be excessive and contributing to loss of desire. Medical evaluation and reassessment of caregiving responsibilities are practical steps to address exhaustion and attempt to restore intimacy and preserve the marriage.
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