Breaking Up Nicely or Ugly Goodbye?

"A partnership between lovers, romantic partners, or spouses may suddenly end, usually initiated by one party and imposed on the other. Ending a relationship is often motivated by anger, depression, or boredom, alongside anticipating relief. The partner who desires to move on may be guilt-ridden about leaving. Yet guilt is a response to empathy about hurting another person and can be mistaken for a desire to continue a relationship."

"A heartbroken partner who still cares will experience painful loss-related emotions, particularly shame, grief, and an array of secondary coping responses that may involve blaming themselves, condemning their partner, evading their emotions, or retreating. Researchers have associated romantic breakups with extreme physical and emotional distress, increased stress hormones, disrupted sleep and immune function, angry and vengeful behavior, drug and alcohol use, and exaggerated attempts to reestablish the relationship (Field, 2017)."

"Amidst a breakup, the potential loss of both tangible and intangible assets, positive benefits, or social status leads both men and women to engage in mate retention tactics (Buss, 1988; Miner et al., 2009; Starratt & Shackelford, 2012). For example, "breakup sex," defined as sexual intercourse with an ex-romantic partner that occurs within two weeks after the termination of the relationship, is motivated by relationship maintenance, hedonism, or ambivalence and may be considered a mate retention strategy (Moran et al., 2020)."

Romantic breakups commonly start abruptly and are often initiated by one partner, motivated by anger, depression, boredom, or a desire for relief. The partner leaving may feel guilt rooted in empathy for hurting the other, which can be mistaken for a wish to stay. Indifference signals withdrawn attachment. A heartbroken partner who still cares experiences shame, grief, self-blame, condemnation of the partner, emotional avoidance, and retreat, alongside physiological effects such as elevated stress hormones, disrupted sleep and immune function, anger, substance use, and persistent attempts to reunite. Both sexes use mate-retention tactics; breakup sex serves maintenance, hedonism, or ambivalence motives with gender differences in motives.

Read at Psychology Today