A Soft Road Map to Intimacy

"People talk about intimacy all the time. But what exactly is it? Is there a secret sauce? How do members of a couple know if they've achieved it? Can one member of a couple feel satisfied while the other feels the relationship is lacking in intimacy? How can one discern exactly what that means and what to do about it?"

"Relational wisdom-the "how to" of a relationship-is built over time and is reported to require mutual respect, self-reflection, and conscious attention to one's partner and to the relationship. In addition, the balancing of conflicting needs, tolerance for differences, a flexibility of response based on the uniqueness of a situation, and the capacity to learn from experience are all required for a satisfying sense of we-ness. But where is intimacy on that list?"

"Intimacy gives rise to the experience of connection in a loving relationship. It is not a unitary dimension, but rather one made up of a number of factors. Research psychologist Robert Sternberg has noted that there are 10 such factors that, when put together, define "intimacy." They are: Desire to promote the welfare of the loved one. Experienced happiness with the loved one. High regard for the loved one."

Intimacy produces the experience of connection in loving relationships and consists of multiple interrelated factors. Relational wisdom develops over time and requires mutual respect, self-reflection, conscious attention to a partner, balancing conflicting needs, tolerance for differences, flexible responses, and learning from experience. Research identifies ten defining intimacy factors: desire to promote the loved one's welfare, experienced happiness together, high regard, reliability in times of need, mutual understanding, sharing of self and possessions, receiving and giving emotional support, intimate communication, and valuing the loved one. These factors can guide partner assessments and focused work to increase closeness and relationship satisfaction.

Read at Psychology Today