"Your wife lied by omission and cheated, and all you have to show for it is an indictment of your particular way of having sex. If you imagined never being able to trust her again after that, it would be completely understandable. The story, as you portray it, has no mutually satisfying conclusion. You caught her and instead of contrition, she gave you a critique. It is disappointing, disturbing even,"
"At minimum you need to figure out what this means for your sex life. Could she incorporate you into her BDSM interests? Are you even interested in participating in them? Could she be satisfied with having vanilla sex with you and kinky sex with others? Are you interested in exploring non-monogamy? If she never wants to have sex with you again, is there enough of a connection/bond to keep you in the relationship?"
Discovery of repeated withdrawals revealed a spouse's payments to a sex worker who fulfills BDSM desires. The spouse concealed the activity and characterized the partner as 'too vanilla' rather than seeking joint solutions. This behavior constitutes infidelity and financial dishonesty, undermining trust. Key issues include whether sexual compatibility can be negotiated, whether the betrayed partner is willing to explore BDSM or accept non-monogamy, and whether the couple can rebuild emotional connection absent sexual intimacy. Counseling, candid communication about needs and boundaries, and decisions about reconciliation versus separation are necessary next steps.
Read at Slate Magazine
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