"Relationship research has made it distinctively clear that most relationships don't fail because of singular, isolated, catastrophic events. More often, they disintegrate because of our patterns-the ones that once felt safe and protective, but have turned corrosive and misaligned with our relationship over time. We might keep asking ourselves, "Why do I keep ending up here?"without any good answer coming to mind, or assume that we always "attract the wrong partners.""
"The habit of compulsive overfunctioning often develops early. Many kids learn, through implicit or explicit cues (like praise or reward), that maintaining closeness in relationships is a matter of being useful, agreeable, or indispensable. For instance, if one's caregivers' emotional availability is inconsistent, they may adapt by becoming hyper-attuned to others' needs. In adulthood, this tendency can push a partner to quietly assume responsibility for the emotional and cognitive management of the whole relationship."
Most relationship breakdowns stem from repeated interaction patterns rather than isolated catastrophic events. Patterns that once provided safety can become corrosive and misaligned with current relational needs. Overfunctioning often appears as being low-maintenance, anticipating and catering to others' needs, absorbing emotional slack, and smoothing conflict, which is socially rewarded but gradually fuels exhaustion. Compulsive overfunctioning commonly forms in childhood through cues that equate usefulness with closeness and can lead adults to assume emotional and cognitive management of relationships. Interrupting maladaptive patterns and cultivating healthy conflict-resolution skills builds closeness that can survive discomfort and support growth.
Read at Psychology Today
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