Moral Perfectionism and the Selfishness of Shame

"Being good only matters when it positively affects others, at least in the long-term if not the short. Sometimes, however, people become so preoccupied with being good that they aren't, or at least not as often as they believe themselves to be. There is such a thing as being too good, when one's so-called goodness is harmful. This discrepancy between what one believes is good and what actually is is prevalent in moral perfectionism, or the obsessive pursuit of moral purity."

"Moral perfectionism entails self-sacrifice, rigid ethical standards (i.e, ones with no exceptions), the core (and largely unconscious) sense of having a bad self, and the belief that enough effort can negate it. Moral perfectionism has the self as its object of affection (which is paradoxical, since it both loves and hates it), for the perfectionist uses their standards and deeds to continuously prove to themself that they can overcome their flawed nature, thereby satiating themself."

Moral perfectionism involves self-sacrifice, rigid ethical standards without exceptions, and an underlying sense of a flawed self that one tries to fix through effort. Perfectionists focus inward, using moral deeds to prove worth and ruminate over choices, often overlooking others' needs. Guilt in perfectionism is self-referential, targeting the self rather than producing relational remorse and repair. Excessive adherence to rules can cause unintended harm, making 'being good' counterproductive when it doesn't positively affect others. Learning to accept some shame, prioritize empathy, and pursue repair can improve relationships and reduce harmful perfectionist behaviors.

Read at Psychology Today