"FAFO (f*ck around and find out) parenting has exploded online, and for a lot of parents, it feels like a relief. After years of being told to stay endlessly calm and validating, FAFO offers something different. It taps into a frustration many parents carry: Gentle parenting can leave you feeling like the villain whenever your child is upset. If your toddler melts down, you must have failed to regulate, failed to connect, failed to stay serene. It's exhausting."
"But here's the thing: A lot of parents talk about FAFO with a FWMAFO tone-"F*ck with me and find out." That's when FAFO starts sounding like punishment or payback. And I get it! The way some parenting educators talk about gentle parenting makes it feel like we're complete failures if we're not endlessly regulated, playful, and wise. We're all supposed to be some combination of Mr. Rogers, Mary Poppins, Stepford Wife, and Bluey's parents."
FAFO can be an effective approach when children experience natural consequences rather than parental punishment. Parents should help children navigate real-world demands with empathy and co-regulation, centering on curiosity and the question, "What have we learned?" rather than shaming. FAFO emerged as a reaction to perfectionist expectations of constant calm and validation, which can leave caregivers feeling like failures during inevitable meltdowns. The approach risks becoming punitive when framed as retaliation, but it can remain gentle and attachment-preserving by prioritizing learning, boundaries, and emotional support instead of humiliation or revenge.
Read at Psychology Today
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