Why "Confidence" Is the Wrong Goal

""Just put yourself out there." "Fake it till you make it." "Work on your self-esteem." "Just be more confident." Or my personal favorite, "Self-esteem comes from doing estimable acts." On the surface, working on self-esteem or doing power poses in front of a mirror and saying affirmations makes sense and can even sometimes help. If only we were more confident, the partner, job, or happiness would follow."

"But there's more to confidence than effort alone. Confidence assumes something crucial-that the nervous system already feels safe enough to take interpersonal risk. Without an inner sense of safety, however, trying to be more confident can feel exhausting and inauthentic. True self-confidence depends on secure attachment, self-trust, and a nervous system that perceives safety, not just repeated behavioral practice or relying on positive self-talk. For many gay men, especially if we grew up constantly self-monitoring around family, peers, or authority figures, confidence isn't what's missing. Safety is."

"What can feel like a personal failure, or like something is wrong, is actually just our nervous system doing exactly what it's meant to do based on our experiences. Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, shows that the nervous system must register safety before it can support connection and interpersonal risk, such as initiating a date, expressing a need, or being visibly yourself. When we're in a state of threat or shutdown, no amount of positive self-talk will override what the body is experiencing."

Efforts to increase confidence through behavior change or affirmations can fail when the nervous system perceives threat or shutdown. True self-confidence rests on a foundation of felt safety, secure attachment, and self-trust rather than only repeated practice or positive self-talk. Polyvagal theory explains that the nervous system must register safety before supporting interpersonal risk and visible authenticity. For many gay men who grew up constantly self-monitoring, the core issue can be lack of nervous-system safety rather than low self-esteem. Addressing safety and regulation in therapeutic and relational contexts enables sustainable confidence and authentic connection.

Read at Psychology Today