The Ghost of What Might Have Been: A Unique Type of Grief

"Grief can be haunting not only in terms of what was but also in terms of what could have been. It is this unique type of grief-a cross between regret and unfulfillment-that often surfaces this time of year. The reasons likely vary for this unique presentation of grief, but the trigger is shared: the immense seasonal pressure to experience joy, gratitude, happiness, and togetherness Perhaps it is social media comparison; perhaps, longstanding narratives and expectations about the holidays or, more likely, all of these, to varying degrees."

"First, a few truths about grief: it is undoubtedly not linear. It ebbs and flows and follow no blueprint or exact course. Despite the famous and useful work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who delineated five stages of grief ( denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), we now see grief as much less of a binary emotional experience. We may go through the five stages in different successions, move back and forth between stages, or experience some but not all of them. The five stages may not necessarily apply to every individual or to their unique grief experience."

"We also understand now that grief is not a simply or clearly defined concept. For example, one person may be full of emotion in the face of loss; another might be stoic and unemotional. To try to rigidly define grief is to narrow its naturally broad and nebulous presentation."

Holidays frequently trigger a form of grief that blends mourning for past losses with regret over unrealized possibilities. Seasonal pressure to feel joy, gratitude, happiness, and togetherness amplifies feelings of unfulfillment. Social media comparisons and longstanding cultural narratives often intensify those feelings. Grief does not follow a linear progression and can ebb, flow, and recur without a fixed blueprint. The five stages model can appear in varied sequences, be incomplete, or not apply to every individual. Emotional expression during grief ranges from intense outward emotion to stoicism. Grief extends beyond physical death to losses of life periods, roles, or expectations.

Read at Psychology Today