"'Why did my parents act this way?' I hear this question every week from survivors of traumatic families. Usually, it comes with an assertion: 'I don't want to be like my parents! I don't want to do these things to my children.' But in reality, their caregivers might have also made those same laments about their own experiences, determined to break the cycle of abuse and violence before having their own children."
"Most caregivers, like most of us, did the best they could with the tools they had. Unfortunately, for many people from previous generations, there were usually not many tools available. Many lived in a time before conversations around trauma were becoming more normalized, or in a home where these conversations were frowned upon. Domestic violence was seen as a private family matter, which contributed to stigma and isolation, and ultimately reinforced the intergenerational cycle of violence."
"'Nobody had these types of conversations when I had my first child in the '80s,' she said. 'Only rich people or people with a lot of significant mental health problems talked about trauma or had therapists. The rest of us just put one foot in front of the other, thinking... no, hoping we were doing the best for our families.'"
Exploring family trauma emphasizes understanding the reasons behind harmful caregiving behaviors instead of assigning blame or excusing abuse. Many caregivers from previous generations lacked awareness, language, or social acceptance to identify or address trauma. Cultural stigma around domestic violence and limited access to mental-health resources reinforced secrecy, shame, and isolation. Those conditions perpetuated intergenerational cycles of violence as caregivers reacted in ways that made sense in the moment but harmed relationships. Increasing awareness, normalizing conversations about trauma, and expanding access to healing tools can help survivors parent differently and break the cycle.
Read at Psychology Today
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