Suddenly, it hit me: I'll never have children | Shanti Nelson

"It hit me hard, out of nowhere. I'm never going to have children. I'm 55 years old; that ship has sailed. It disappeared from my biological horizon years ago a once fertile landscape that held so much hope, promise and seemingly endless possibility. A horizon that, sadly, I took for granted. Did I forget to wind my biological clock? I admit to hearing it ticking, but at some point the throes of everyday life and loss drowned out the alarm until it eventually perished"

"I toggle between sadness and fury one minute I'm weeping while watching a video of a baby elephant learning to swim with her mother, and the next I'm angry, cursing myself for not deleting Instagram and cursing Instagram for sending me the damn videos I feel compelled to watch at 2am while weeping (although at this point I'd take baby animals over wall pilates and posture-correcting bra reels any day)."

I am 55 and suddenly confronted with the certainty that I will never have children, triggering profound grief and anger. Menopause has closed the possibility and awakened regret for not planning deliberately. Memories of analog upbringing and missed biological cues underscore a sense of missed opportunity. I vacillate between weeping at videos of baby animals and fury at social media triggers, feeling compelled to watch late at night. Midlife comforts—Hokas, a sensible hat, a comfortable mattress, an electric toothbrush—contrast with inner turmoil. An internal Jekyll and Hyde controls emotions, leaving exhaustion and self-blame as dominant feelings.

Read at www.theguardian.com