"When you've been conditioned to never be a burden, having basic needs feels like you're being 'too much'. Perhaps you grew up with the experience that sharing your struggles wasn't welcome. You learned that you were more acceptable or even safer if you kept your needs and emotions in check. Not being a burden is one of the traits of the fawn response, which is the fourth stress response after fight, flight and freeze."
"It's generally thought of as the 'codependent' response, but in my therapy practice I witness it as something more subtle. It's characterized by a kind of 'covert codependency', where we remain connected to people by being the one that no-one has to worry about. Fawning is a conditioned, preventative response where we learned to anticipate the needs of others. We're not overtly people-pleasing, but we keep everyone happy by being 'the capable one' who copes on their own."
Fawning is the fourth stress response, characterized by a drive to avoid burdening others by anticipating and meeting their needs. Covert codependency maintains connection by presenting as the capable person who copes independently so others do not have to worry. Early conditioning to never be a burden teaches suppression of needs and emotions and discourages sharing struggles. This preventative pattern is not overt people-pleasing but a quiet self-reliance that keeps relationships stable through emotional invisibility. The fear of being a burden can create beliefs that relationships depend on appearing 'in a good place' and discourage asking for help.
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