"Those of you who follow my content with even the faintest interest will know I have been squeezing every last drop out of perhaps five anecdotes for more than two decades. So with no apology, presuming that Stockholm syndrome has set in and you have been trained to enjoy their retelling, here is the day I almost won a header against Jaap Stam."
"Old Trafford, 2 May 2010. The game is United Relief, a team of former Manchester United legends and celebrity fans against a team of former pros and other famous faces. Clearly the latter squad was light on the celebrity so I packed my Puma Kings to sit on the bench in the hope Paddy McGuinness might get a calf strain."
"I read the flight of the ball. My whole career as a big No 9 has hinged on being good in the air. I timed my jump, I soared like Michael Jordan. The ball whistled towards me. I felt a presence behind me, but I was in total control I was going to win a header against Jaap Stam. I was going to tell this story again. And again."
I played in a charity match at Old Trafford on 2 May 2010: United Relief versus a team of former pros and famous faces. I arrived at half-time, sat on the bench hoping a celebrity might pick up a strain, then contributed two assists and scored a penalty in a shootout victory. At 2-0 the match brought on Jaap Stam and Ronny Johnsen. I finally received a long goal-kick from Dave Beasant, timed my jump and felt certain I would win the header, only for Stam to outjump me and head the ball the other way, ending my chance at glory.
Read at www.theguardian.com
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