My big night out: I woke up on a llama farm in Germany hungover and lying beside a naked punk

"The clock that ticks at 6am on a Saturday morning at a llama farm in rural Germany, when you wake up hungover next to a naked punk, ticks much more loudly than any other clock. In this case, it was a proper rustic European clock none of your chrome or plastic nonsense wooden and ancient, with little figurines which bustled around inside it, on the hour, every hour."

"I was 20, on a European road trip, chugging around in an older man's van in 2014, perpetually hungover. The older man was a friend who was actually only 40 or so at the time, which I certainly wouldn't consider old now. He had two treasured attributes, extremely rare in London to this day he could drive and he owned a vehicle."

"We wended from city to city, stopping in Krakow, Gdansk and Vienna. In Krakow I got lost and had to ask one of the ladies with the pink umbrellas (if you know, you know) to walk me back to my hotel, where I politely thanked her and informed her I was a homosexual. She was unimpressed. We allegedly had one night in Berlin but I can't remember it, so it doesn't count before heading to Cologne."

A 20-year-old wakes up hungover on a llama farm in rural Germany at 6am beside a naked punk as an ancient wooden clock with figurines ticks loudly. The traveler is on a 2014 European road trip, riding in a friend's van and visiting Krakow, Gdansk, Vienna, Berlin and Cologne. In Krakow the traveler gets lost and is escorted back by a woman with a pink umbrella, who is unimpressed when informed he is a homosexual. In a cavernous gay club a pale punk with a bright green mohawk offers an energy drink and a mint. The pair dance for hours and later ride in a taxi on a dark motorway toward Cologne.

Read at www.theguardian.com