"Cliché: "And the kick splits the uprights."Update: "And the kick goes right through the middle of the poles like the equator of our very own dying planet." Cliché: "These two teammates need to get on the same page."Update: "These two teammates need to stop creating different Google Docs with the same title." Cliché: "This running back's a real workhorse."Update: "This running back's a real intern who delusionally thinks that the company will be around in a year to hire him when he graduates.""
"Cliché: "This team clearly brought its A-game today."Update: "This team clearly didn't stay up until 4 A.M. looking for a high-quality version of the 1994 film 'Angels in the Outfield' to stream last night." Cliché: "The receiver really got his bell rung on that hit."Update: "The receiver must feel like he has a drunk roommate who lost his key after that hit.""
Classic football announcing clichés are paired with fresh, absurdly specific alternatives to update broadcasters' stock lines. The replacements use contemporary workplace metaphors, streaming and piracy references, pop-culture callbacks, and surreal imagery. Examples include replacing "splits the uprights" with an equatorial/planetary simile, "on the same page" with a Google Docs joke, and "workhorse" with an intern metaphor about precarious employment. Other updates evoke late-night streaming, drunken roommates, torrenting Tony Danza films, appetizer metaphors, and surge-priced Ubers. The tone is irreverent, satirical, and aimed at subverting broadcast predictability through unexpected comparisons.
Read at The New Yorker
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