Letting Go of Parents

"Much of the current work about letting go concerns letting our children go as they travel through their life stages: infancy, toddlerhood, teenage years, and young and older adulthood. Not much is written about letting our parents go. I'm in the enviable position of still having a mother in pretty good health at 93. I am mindful that I'm one of the fortunate ones and that this is not the case for the majority of people."

"Mum has an intact mind. She forgets words and names and often repeats herself. She sometimes appears with an old handbag that is way past its use-by-date. I usually give her a free pass for that - well, maybe a little comment. As I watch my mother age, I'm awed by her. She smiles and laughs. She speaks her mind, which she always has done, but now any filter she had is pretty much gone."

"She has had a partner who lived with her for 15 years. They lived independently, did everything together, and they were increasingly cut off from friends and activities beyond themselves. When I was in Sydney last August, her partner's health was declining rapidly. I visited a few aged care places, and we went through the process of filling in forms for residency."

A 93-year-old mother largely retains mental capacity but shows memory lapses and repeating. She remains expressive, resilient, and free of guilt while sometimes clinging to old habits. The primary carer lives overseas and visits multiple times a year. A long-term partner experienced rapid health decline after years of shared, increasingly isolated routines. Attempts to secure joint residency in a community aged-care facility proved unsuccessful, prompting visits to facilities and completion of residency paperwork. The situation illustrates the emotional complexity of transitioning older adults into care, the limits of planning, and the need to balance independence with appropriate support.

Read at Psychology Today