"Hey, noisy car guy, let me help you. I've had a wife, daughters, a mother, a sister, hundreds of female coworkers, a couple of girlfriends, a couple of hot neighbors. Not one of them has ever said, "You know, a noisy car really turns me on." Not one of them has ever said "I'd do anything for you if you had a noisy car.""
"Need attention? Need to be heard? So raise your voice at the ballgame. Raise your voice at the protest. Speak up when your coworkers are being idiots. Speak up at the ballot box. Raise your voice at your teenagers when they do something reckless. Speak up at what you consider unfairness. Meanwhile, do us all a favor, head to Midas and fix your fucking muffler."
Men who make their cars loud do not attract sexual or romantic interest from women, according to the narrator's lifetime of relationships and acquaintances. The narrator lists wife, daughters, mother, sister, coworkers, girlfriends, and neighbors as examples who never expressed attraction to noisy cars. The suggested alternative methods for attention include cheering at sporting events, protesting, speaking up about coworkers' behavior, voting, rebuking reckless teenagers, and opposing perceived unfairness. The closing instruction demands practical action: repair the damaged muffler at an automotive shop (Midas) instead of relying on vehicle noise for attention.
Read at Portland Mercury
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