Before you became a senior ... before you had hit middle school, even ... I used to write an annual graduation message over at Deadspin, a website that was very good but now essentially functions as a malware dispensary. I started off writing those speeches to mock traditional graduation speeches.
But then, something awful happened: Over the course of a few years, the grad speeches I wrote slowly morphed into ones that, not unlike the one you'll be subjected to, gave its audience 300 percent of their recommended daily allowance of earnestness. I still made jokes. I still cursed (like this: FUCK!).
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