Why People Avoid Their Feelings-and It's Not Always a Problem

"Interestingly, not everyone responds to relational pressure by withdrawing. People protect themselves in different ways. Some become quiet. They struggle to say what they want. They pause, soften their voice, and minimise distress. What looks like emotional absence is often careful self-restraint-an effort not to burden, disrupt, or demand. In schema therapy terms, this can resemble an avoidance protector -but one shaped by relational responsibility rather than indifference."

"Others do the opposite. They may appear angry, defensive, resistant, or argumentative. They push back, insist they don't need help, or react strongly when questioned. Here, strength, control, or confrontation can feel safer than softness. When vulnerability once carried risk or humiliation, asserting power becomes another form of protection. This may resemble an overcompensator mode-or at times an angry protector -protecting against exposure by staying dominant, certain, or untouchable."

"Some people collapse inward. They present as depressed, flat, or emotionally numb. But what is happening is not always emotional absence-it is early closure of emotional experience. Instead of curiosity or exploration, feelings are quickly sealed into broad labels:"I'm just stressed.""I'm depressed." The words sound explanatory, but they stop the process. There are no details, no texture, no differentiation. Naming replaces sensing. Labelling replaces contact."

People respond to relational pressure with distinct protective strategies: withdrawing into quiet self-restraint, asserting control through anger or dominance, or collapsing inward into flattened emotional experience. Quiet protectors soften voice, minimize distress, and avoid burdening others, resembling an avoidance protector shaped by relational responsibility. Assertive protectors adopt strength and confrontation to avoid vulnerability, resembling overcompensator or angry protector modes. Collapsing responses involve early closure of feeling, broad labeling ("I'm just stressed", "I'm depressed"), and low emotional granularity that seals emotion, reduces ambiguity, and limits relational risk. Each pattern functions as a form of self-protection within schema therapy and emotion construction frameworks.

Read at Psychology Today