"In these sorts of situations, I always feel the best course of action is to invite both parties (or neither; a 5-year-old's birthday is probably a lot more fun for the child if it's just him and his friends celebrating) and if either one of them threatens to cause a scene, make it clear that you expect everyone to be on their best behavior for the sake of your son."
"Since your mother-in-law refuses to promise to do that, I think it's fair to say, "I'm so sorry. You know we love you, and we want you to be there-your grandson especially wants you there [if that is indeed true; see above]-but if it's going to be too hard for you, we understand. Why don't we have a separate little celebration with you the day before/after?""
"This is not a fun conversation to have. I know that. But it does no one any good to avoid having it. If your mother-in-law asks you to disinvite her ex instead of suggesting you stay home, stick to your gun"
A parent can handle a birthday conflict by inviting both parties or inviting neither, depending on what best supports the child’s experience. If one person threatens to cause a scene, expectations for respectful behavior should be made clear for the child’s sake. When a mother-in-law refuses to promise appropriate conduct, the parent can acknowledge love and desire for attendance while offering an alternative plan. A separate celebration can be held the day before or after to allow time with the grandparent without the ex present. The conversation may be difficult, but avoiding it does not help anyone. If the mother-in-law demands disinviting the ex, the parent should hold firm.
Read at Slate Magazine
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