"People-pleasing contains immense hope, but it's also conflict-averse. Within that hope is a magical idea, indicating that if one were to perfectly adapt to their environment, everything would "turn out fine." The people-pleaser, therefore, tends to personalize, completely blaming themselves for their troubles. It's either that they aren't doing enough to warrant some reward or they're simply complaining too much. Either way, they often consider themselves to be the problem."
"People-pleasers often struggle with making choices, from small to big. So, they often struggle to adapt when making mistakes. This means they frequently double down on bad choices to manage the bubbling shame of having failed. One version of personalizing may foster hope, whereby the people-pleaser believes they can work harder, while another, we can call it essentializing, implies the pleaser fundamentally feels like a failure, which can be devastating."
People-pleasing contains immense hope but is conflict-averse, reflecting a belief that perfect adaptation will make everything 'turn out fine.' People-pleasers tend to personalize problems, blaming themselves for failures and either work harder or accuse themselves of complaining. Several factors fuel people-pleasing: rigidity, anxiety, an intense need for control, a need for simplicity, and a sense of excessive self-importance. Decision-making proves difficult, and mistakes trigger shame that prompts doubling down on poor choices. Personalizing can foster a hopeful drive to improve or lead to essentializing, in which the individual feels fundamentally like a failure. Mistakes usually stem from multiple factors rather than sole personal fault.
Read at Psychology Today
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