The fact that I would genuinely be an improvement on the last 14 years of Tory government says everything you need to know, Count Binface tells the Independent.
Other flagship policies include renaming London Bridge after Phoebe Waller-Bridge, price capping croissants at 1.10 - 10p more than a previous pledge for 1 pastries - and granting grade one listed status to Claudia Winkleman's fringe.
I'm the only fresh thing on the menu! Nobody else comes close to the suite of policies I'm offering: price-capping croissants at 1.10, bringing back Ceefax, replacing the Night Czar with a new Night Mayor, and much more.
When asked for his opinion on his Tory rival, Susan Hall, the caped politician said: I have no idea what you're talking about. If I have, it went straight out of one auditory organ and right out of the other one because nobody of that name has had any impact on me whatsoever.
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