I finally saw this knee-jerk reaction was a habit I needed to break; the other person usually was listening but just didn't see things my way. I changed that bad habit by turning it into a question - "Why do you think that way is best?" - which made all the difference in the tone of the conversation.
Acting without thinking, as I did in those situations, is the very definition of habitual behavior. When the habit is negative, it can do great harm to work performance, especially when you don't see the damage you're doing because you're so accustomed to engaging in the behavior.
I've found the best way to fix a bad habit is to replace it with something positive, like I did with my "You're not listening" complaint. Asking the other person to explain their point of view shows respect and replacing "You're not" with "Why?" turns a negative attack into a positive inquiry.
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