The New Woman I'm Seeing Decided to "Surprise" Me in Bed. I Hope She Never Does That Again.

"Plenty of women genuinely feel more powerful, attractive, or erotic when they're in heavy makeup or complicated lingerie. Debates between different camps of feminism regarding how much of this is due to internalized patriarchy have been going on for decades. Most of the women I know who regularly wear strong makeup looks or undergarments that may need instructions to put on or remove have, over the years, heard a significant amount of negative feedback from men, and either don't care about or actively enjoy the man-repelling aspect."

"Vocalizations and body movements during sex can also fall into the category of "not nearly as for your enjoyment as you think." Men, ranging from the male feminist sort to the just-a-dude type, throw their own opinions in fairly often as well. Underneath the memes about straight men thinking they prefer all-natural looks while tending to go for subtle surgical enhancements and makeup that, while being undetectable to them, still takes"

"I'm a man, and I started dating someone new about two months ago. We've been taking it slow. We've hooked up a few times, and I really like her. But what she did recently during the second time she's ever even slept over really threw me off. When she came over, she decided to "surprise" me with elaborate lingerie and a lot of makeup/glitter. We had sex, and it was good, but the whole time it felt like she was putting on a performance of sexiness and what she thought I would want rather than being actually sexy."

"I'm not sure if I should say anything to her. I don't really want to say "Hey, that was kind of weird, and you don't need to do that" because I know it won't go over well. But I'm also not really looking forward to a repeat performance. Help."

A partner may use makeup, glitter, or lingerie to feel powerful, attractive, or erotic. Some people experience negative feedback from men about these choices, and others may enjoy the effect of being less appealing to certain preferences. Sexual vocalizations and body movements can also be shaped by assumptions about what a partner wants rather than genuine arousal. Men hold varied opinions, including feminist and nonfeminist perspectives, and stereotypes about preferences can be inconsistent. The situation calls for careful, nonjudgmental communication so both people can understand what feels authentic and enjoyable during sex.

Read at Slate Magazine