The one phrase people use when they're about to criticize you but want to seem nice-psychology explains why it never works - Silicon Canals

"You know that feeling when someone starts a conversation with "I really like you, but..." and your stomach immediately drops? Or when your boss opens with "You're doing great work, however..." and you just know criticism is coming? There's one phrase that's become the universal tell for incoming criticism, and we've all heard it: "No offense, but..." It's become so predictable that hearing those three words triggers an immediate defensive response. Your shoulders tense, your mind starts racing through counterarguments, and whatever comes next-no matter how gently delivered-lands like a punch. The irony? The person saying it genuinely believes they're softening the blow."

"The psychology behind "no offense, but" When I started researching why people use this phrase, I discovered something fascinating. Psychologists call this type of communication a "disclaimer," and it's rooted in our deep desire to maintain social harmony while delivering difficult truths. Dr. Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, explains that we use these verbal cushions because we're trying to manage two conflicting needs: being honest and being liked. The problem is, our brains don't work the way we think they do."

Prefacing criticism with the phrase "No offense, but..." functions as a verbal disclaimer aimed at preserving social harmony while conveying hard truths. Cognitive psychology shows that such disclaimers trigger immediate threat-detection in listeners, increasing defensiveness and amplifying the negative message instead of reducing it. Typical reactions include tensed shoulders, racing counterarguments, and perceiving the forthcoming remark as an attack. Psychologists describe this as a tension between being honest and being liked. Many well-meaning speakers believe the phrase cushions criticism, but research and experience indicate it backfires and worsens the impact of feedback. Practical communication requires alternatives that avoid signaling an incoming attack.

Read at Silicon Canals