2 Ways Giving Advice Can Make Someone Feel Worse

"So, you tell them what you would do; you suggest a great therapist or book you know, and you mean every word of it. Yet somehow, inexplicably, they seem a little worse off than before you gave your well-meaning advice. This is not a rare experience. It is, in fact, a well-documented one, and the research explaining it is both humbling and clarifying for anyone who considers themselves a caring person."

"A 2009 study published in Psychological Science examined support among 67 cohabiting couples using a daily-experience design, in which partners reported on support given and received each day. Their central finding was counterintuitive: although the perception of having available support was linked to positive outcomes, the receipt of actual support from a close partner was often associated with negative outcomes."

"The researchers found that support of any kind, whether or not the recipient was aware of it, was only beneficial when it was responsive to what the recipient actually needed, and when it conveyed that the giver genuinely understood and cared about the recipient's specific situation. The problem with most well-intentioned"

"Imagine someone you care about is having a hard time. Maybe they're going through a painful breakup, trudging through a stalled career, or trying to come to terms with a difficult diagnosis. They tell you about it, and somewhere in the middle of their story, you feel the very familiar pressure to be useful. To offer something, or say something comforting, that helps."

When a loved one is distressed, the instinct is often to fix the problem with advice. Well-meant guidance can sometimes leave the person feeling worse. Research on partner support shows that perceived availability of support relates to positive outcomes, while receiving actual support from a close partner can relate to negative outcomes. Support tends to be beneficial when it matches what the person actually needs and when it signals that the giver understands the person’s specific situation. Many people give advice that does not fit the moment, even when they care deeply. A practical approach is to ask whether the person wants guidance or simply wants someone to listen.

Read at Psychology Today