How to Calm an Angry Adult Child

"As a parent coach, I see firsthand how an adult child's anger cuts deeply. It is not just the words that are spoken in the moment. It is also about the history behind those painful words. Old hurts, unmet expectations, and miscommunications pile up over the years, leading adult children to lash out at their parents in frustration. Parents in these situations tell me they feel helpless and often confused."

"I have written over the years that understanding is just as important, if not more important, than love. What I mean is that when I ask struggling adult children whether they felt loved by their parents, most (even the more tentative ones) will say, 'yes.' Yet, when I ask if they felt understood, I often hear things like, 'They just never really got who I am.'"

"As I wrote in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, when adult children lash out in anger, what most often helps is neither a retreat nor a rebuttal. Instead, this five-word phrase often sets the stage for healing: 'I want to understand you.' This phrase conveys humility, presence, kindness, and love without triggering emotional reactivity. 1. The phrase I want to understand you helps your adult child feel heard rather than corrected. When your child senses your desire to understand, their anger softens."

Adult children's anger often reflects accumulated hurts, unmet expectations, and miscommunications from years of interaction. Parents commonly feel helpless, confused, and uncertain whether to withdraw, defend, or apologize. Perceived understanding can matter as much or more than perceived love; many adult children report feeling loved but not understood. Saying 'I want to understand you' communicates humility, presence, kindness, and love without provoking emotional reactivity. The phrase signals listening rather than arguing, acknowledges the child's emotional reality, and often softens anger by validating their experience. This approach fosters connection and opens space for healing in strained parent–adult child relationships.

Read at Psychology Today