"In that moment, my brain fell into the exact chain I teach patients to notice in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): 1. Thought: If he's struggling, it means I'm failing as a mom. 2.Guilt becomes anxiety, which becomes shame. 3. Behavior: Control-forcing a "teaching moment" to quiet my own discomfort. When guilt or shame activate the amygdala, our body shifts into threat mode. Logic shuts down, and control feels safer than curiosity. I wasn't helping him regulate-I was avoiding my own emotions."
"After 10 minutes of chatting, Diego asked, "Can we listen to The Magic Tree House?" I said no. He looked puzzled. "But we've already talked." And before I could stop myself, I snapped: "If you don't want to talk to me, then I don't want to drive you to school anymore." The second those words left my mouth, guilt hit like a punch."
A parent-centered emotional reaction can escalate when thoughts about failing trigger guilt and shame. The amygdala activates a threat response that narrows thinking and promotes controlling behaviors rather than curiosity. Cognitive behavioral awareness reveals a chain: a self-critical thought leads to guilt, then anxiety and shame, producing controlling actions that address parental discomfort instead of the child's needs. Small practices—pause, check, choose—create space to move from control to connection. Adopting an "and-not-or" mindset increases flexibility and calm for both parent and child and supports co-regulation rather than avoidance.
Read at Psychology Today
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