This is how we do it: I thought I'd never want to have sex again then I gave myself a pep talk'

Low libido developed about five years ago, leading to a belief that sex might never be needed again. Stress during the pandemic and hormonal changes from perimenopause were possible causes, along with a feeling that the brain was not functioning normally. Increased arguing and guilt emerged because love and a desire to make a long-term partner happy remained strong. A doctor suggested a supplement, but the main change came from shifting mindset and treating sex as a priority. On days without desire, self-talk and mirror pep talks were used to commit to sex and enjoy it. Desire and quality improved through increased adventurousness and playful roleplay, including fake stories and pretending to be strangers. The couple now has sex about three times a week and gets along better, with less spontaneity due to family constraints.

"About five years ago, my libido was so low I thought if I never had sex again, I'd be fine. I'm not sure what was causing it. It was during the pandemic and I was stressed by that, or perhaps it was due to hormonal changes that come with perimenopause. It was like something in my brain wasn't working, and I just couldn't get it together. I didn't feel like myself and Edwin and I were arguing more."

"When we talked about it, he'd say: What's going on? You don't want to have sex with me. And I'd reply: It's not that. It's that I don't want to do anything. It was stressful because we've been together for 26 years and he has always been up for it. I felt guilty because I love him and want to make him happy. So I knew that sex was something that still needed to happen in our relationship."

"She put me on a supplement, and said it might help with my sex drive. But really it was shifting my mindset that changed things. I knew I had to focus on making sex a priority. And that's what I did. We're back to having sex around three times a week On days where I didn't want to have sex, I would give myself a pep talk. I'd look at myself in the mirror and say: I am going to have sex and I am going to enjoy it."

"Then things got much better, even the quality of our sex, because I became more adventurous in an effort to get things going. I started telling Edwin fake sexy stories about things I'd done with someone else. I'd pretend I'd met somebody while he was out, to get us in the mood. We also play the stranger, where we pretend to be different people meeting for a date. We're back to having sex around three times a week."

Read at www.theguardian.com