Betrayal in committed relationships occurs on multiple levels, including self-betrayal and partner betrayal. Self-betrayal happens when people fail to honor their own heart’s desires or personal values, often through excessive accommodation of a partner’s wishes. When one person is emotionally engaged and the other is overly compliant, self-betrayal can be overlooked because harmony increases while conflict decreases. Over time, the person betraying themselves may become resentful and passive-aggressive, and may blame the partner for controlling the relationship. Patterns of self-betrayal can be trauma-informed, driven by early behaviors aimed at safety, including hypervigilance, compliance, and compulsive efforts to do the right thing. Repair involves recognizing betrayal as normal, clarifying desires and values, and communicating them openly.
"Once we say "I will," the last thing we imagine will happen does eventually happen, and it happens on four different levels. In a committed relationship, we will betray ourselves and our partners, and our partners will betray themselves and betray us. Because we're convinced that our thriving relationships are immune to betrayal, betrayal becomes highly disruptive. Actually, the exact opposite is true. Maintaining a pristine record of faithfulness and loyalty is not an option. In fact, it would be a quixotic undertaking."
"Self-betrayal occurs when we are unfaithful in honoring our heart's desire or our personal values. Such betrayal occurs when we are excessively accommodating of our partner's desires and wishes, or they are too eager to support our needs. That is, one of us is too eager to please the other at the cost of forgetting about ourselves. It's all too easy to overlook our partners' self-betrayals because there is less conflict and more harmony and cooperation when only one person is emotionally engaged in the relationship."
"However, it's very easy for the person betraying themselves to become resentful and passive-aggressive, and to blame their partner for controlling the relationship. Patterns of self-betrayal can be trauma-informed. Our choices are then driven by early behaviors that support safety. This includes being adaptive, hyper-vigilant, and compliant, and compulsively trying to do the right thing, which mostly me"
Read at Psychology Today
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